The Beauty of Becoming!
I came across this photo while digging through the E.R. Leather Goods archives this weekend, and I remember this girl so clearly.
Thirty-two, free as a bird, fun loving, vivacious, artistic, living on a 20 acre ranch overlooking the Pacific with her dog by her side. And yet, she was far from fulfilled.
What I remember most about being her is how convinced I was that I was not enough. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, not sophisticated enough, not polished enough to really belong. I was performative, over the top, and trying so hard to fit in.
Looking back now, it all feels absurd. I was fighting for a relationship that was not the right fit, trying to force life to happen on some imaginary timeline, and wasting far too much energy worrying about whether I measured up, whether I looked the part, whether I acted the part. I was exhausted.
Insecurity is a sneaky beast. It can torment you and rip you apart. It shows up in your most vulnerable moments and sometimes when you least expect it. It can linger, or it can flash through and disappear, but there is often an undercurrent just below the surface that can make you feel awful. I will never forget hearing Brené Brown say, “The story you are telling yourself is...” I told myself a million stories, and most of them were probably not even close to being true. But in my mind, it was a constant state of doom and desperation. Comparison was my currency, and keeping up with the Joneses was how I lived. I cannot say that I regret it, because I learned so much from it, but man, it felt awful at times.
Today, I look at this girl and see hope, beauty, grace, and very flat abs. Fifteen years after this photo was taken, I have lived a hundred different lives, and I will live a hundred more, but now I am more peaceful, at least most of the time.
While I wish I had known then what I know now, I suppose that is the beauty of becoming. Wisdom rarely arrives when you need it most. It comes later, after life has humbled you, cracked you open, and handed you better taste in people, places, and the things that matter most.
So to all the girls out there who do not think they are good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, tough enough, or worthy enough, you are.
Find what makes you shine and lean into that. Find a community that supports you and lean into them. Find peace and let it flow through you. Be yourself and embrace your flaws, because we all have them. Surround yourself with people who raise the bar, call you forward, challenge you, celebrate you, and love you for all of it. The right person or community will not make you feel like you need to become someone else. They will remind you that you already are her.
As we move into this new Pink Moon season, I am continuing to work on my relationships, but the most important relationship I have is with myself. The Pink Moon invites renewal, clarity, and a gentle return to yourself. Sometimes my relationship with myself is beautiful, and other times it is toxic, and that is okay. We are all on our own path, and my hope for all of you is that you walk it willingly, with ease, presence, and grace.
xx, Emily